The Money Pit

* Initial purchase price - $$$$$
* Premium, all natural food and treats x 5 - $$
* Supplies, toys - $$$
* Inoculations x 3 - $$$
* Monthly heart worm and flea and tick treatment x 4 - $$
* Behaviorist - $$$$
* Parasite treatment - $
* Trip to breeder's (to return him) - $$
* Trip to breeder's (to pick him back up) - $$
* Mange treatment x 3 - $$$
* Parasite treatment again - $
* Adoring eyes, uncompromising love, walking partner - Priceless

*OLIVER*

The Quandary

Kevin and I sat in the front row and Lance, our son, sat in the defendant's chair. He was wringing his hands and talking to himself. Susan, his court appointed attorney, was sitting next him and laid her hand on his shoulder and reassured him that it was okay. We were listening to the school psychologist tell the judge that Lance has the cognitive and physical ability of a five year old, he would never be able to be alone.

It was very hard to listen to the negative testimony of Lance's abilities, or should I say disabilities. But after the Judge rendered his decision and appointed me his guardian, I have to admit that I was, in a very small way, relieved and yes, even happy. I will always be able to take care of him.

A few weeks earlier I went down to Charlotte, NC, to help our middle daughter pack up her things, put most of it in storage and moved her and her dog Pippin, to Charleston, SC, so she can finish her education. She will be living with our oldest daughter and her husband David and their two doggies, Tilly and Kally. She would not listen to me and move home where I can take care of her.

I find that I am in a quandary. Our friends' children are all leaving the home and they (our friends) are becoming empty nesters, we are not and will never be. I grieve at times because I can never leave the house anytime I want or eat in front of the TV or just run around the house without clothes on. I have to find someone to be with Lance if we want to go out. We eat dinner at the table every night because he is not able to balance a plate in his lap and the no clothes thing?? Well, lets just say, I would probably have never done that anyway... On the flip side, I have someone around to crack jokes with, like - "Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!" I get to watch Hannah Montana whenever I want and I will always get to be a mommy to a little boy and feel needed.

With Brigette and Angela I watched as they moved on with their lives. I will never be able to be a mommy to them again. But this I can say, I am proud of both of them, the decisions they have made and the lives they are leading. They are beautiful, strong, independent and love the Lord, what more can a mother ask for.

So I straddle this life God has given me. I love it and at the same time I ask why I have to live it this way. I will probably never have the answers, but it's okay. In the meantime Hannah comes on at 3:00 and I get to see if Lola will be wearing her pink wig today...or will it be the purple one? Mmmmm....

Non Smoking

Lance and I walk in, the hostess asks "How many?"
I reply "two."
"Smoking or non smoking?"
"Non smoking please."
"Right this way."
We follow her and sit down. Lance is becoming nervous. For some reason unbeknown to me Lance has a hard time with little children. There are little children just behind him that are acting up.
We order. I decided on the soup and salad bar and Lance has a Big Boy combo with sprite.

The hostess seats another family kitty corner to us, more kids...good grief. Lance's eyes are now darting around from one table to another.

Within a few minutes Lance's burger is there and I get up to get my salad. The gentleman with the newly seated family walks by with a lit cigarette looking for an ashtray. I decided to find a waitress to ask if we were put in the smoking or non smoking section. I was assured it was non smoking and our waitress went over to ask the fellow not to smoke. He said he asked for the smoking section. The waitress offered to move them...he said it was fine and put out his cigarette, they would stay where they are.

I am very frustrated by this point, Lance eyes are still darting and he is shoveling in his food and the woman of the smoking family starts to mumble. "Mumble, mumble...pisses me off...mumble, mumble...come over herself...mumble, mumble...does she think she is...mumble, mumble"

The waitress comes over and apologizes. I start to feel guilty and say "It's just that I have asthma." She then goes over the smoking folks and says "...she says she has asthma..."

I can't finish my salad and Lance's food is gone and fidgeting so we ask for our bill and leave.

*Mom died of lung cancer (smoked all her life)
*Dad has COPD (still smoking)
*Kevin has adult onset asthma
*Angela has asthma
*Brigette has asthma
*I have adult onset asthma
*Lance was in the NICU for two weeks because of lung issues

Why should I justify wanting to sit in non-smoking...

When I got home Lance and I had a big bowl of Moose Tracks ice cream, that made me feel a little better.

Baching it

Kevin left this morning to fly to California and so I am in the official single mom mode. It's not the first time he has left me and I am sure it will not be the last but I definitely have mixed emotions. The first is Wahoo!! I don't have to fix a good dinner, I will eat cereal and Lance would love chicken nuggets or pizza rolls. Then I think with Kevin gone I tend to procrastinate and I really don't like this about me. I love being accountable to someone. If left to myself I would end up being the laziest person around.

The next emotion is another Wahoo, I get the whole bed to myself!! I love being able to stretch out...the funny thing is I don't sleep well with him gone, even with stretching out, go figure.

I will have to help Lance with all his grooming needs including going into the bathroom while he is showering and making sure he rinses his hair and washes well. This is somewhat embarrassing for him. He doesn't mind me shaving him which is a good thing since I love it when he has a clean shaven face. (Having said this, Lance would rather have a beard, he thinks it is cool!)

I will enjoy the quiet for a while, Kevin loves to talk...but after a few days I will get lonely and crave the chatter. We talk about everything.

I am looking forward to doing some things that I normally would not do such as go to a movie by myself. (Kevin and I have completely different tastes in movies) Lance is going out with Marie Friday night, so I am planning on the movie at that time. But being in a theater with couples all around me will make me feel funny.

Kevin is in California for a training seminar at the Joni and Friends International Disabilities Center. Our prayer is that God will show him if this is the direction he needs to keep following. He is just not sure if this ministry is where he belongs. I know he will do great, he has such a compassionate heart and a love of helping people in need. He absolutely loved the trips to Kenya...

In the mean time Lance, Oliver and I will be on our own and I will have to deal with the good and bad of it and we will miss Kevin.

Remember

I never want to forget that terrible day seven years ago. I continue to pray for the families of those that are gone. May God be with you and watch over you.

Remember 9/11

Contentment

The last weekend in August Kevin, Lance and I went to the Joni and Friends Family Retreat in upper Michigan. This was our fourth retreat and just like always, it was amazing. I believe it is possibly the only place where families with disabilities can go and totally relax, renew, and recreate. In the normal world we walk in everyday, we are always conscious of the way our loved one is viewed, at the retreats we are the norm and everyone is accepted no matter what. It feels a little of what I expect heaven to be like. We are whole in God's eyes. Each person with a disabilty is paired up with a volunteer short term missionary who spends the entire time one on one with that person doing things such as going to services, making crafts, hiking, paddle boating, singing, swimming, horseback riding, eating, etc... Jon, Lance's STM is an amazing man. He has two daughters with disabilities himself, which gave him incredible insight with Lance. They got along wonderfully!

I was asked to facilitate a small group composed of women with adult children with special needs. This was so humbling. When each woman told her story I became so grateful for the small inconveniences that I experience with Lance. One mother's daughter has juvenile arthritis who is confined to a wheelchair and unable to do anything for herself. This women is in her 70's and is still bathing, dressing, feeding and moving her forty something daughter (who, by the way, is an incredible woman in her own right). She also is caring for another daughter who has recently escaped a horrible abusive marriage and was diagnosed with stage three cancer.

Another woman's youngest son (of five boys!!) is severe/profoundly disabled and in a wheelchair. She takes care of his needs without complaining...she is also taking care of her mother who has Alzheimer's and is a wheelchair as well. Do you know what she was so excited to do while there that weekend? Walk down stairs and hold hands with her husband.

The stories go on... The common thread spoken throughout the camp was "and I thought I had it rough". You see, when confronted with what others go through, our own struggles don't seem so bad. We also see the amazing Grace that God gives to each of us to carry the burdens we have. "...I want us to help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me and my faith will help you." Romans 1:12, New Century Version.

I came away from Family Retreat once again with the feeling of contentment. Yes, I struggle everyday, but knowing that God is there and is lifting me up, helps me get through the tough times.

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Favorite Things Part ll

Not in any particular order

A fixed computer
Sunny 70 degree days
A walk with Oliver on a sunny 70 degree day
The book The Sacred Echo
Kevin's blue eyes
Long rides on balmy summer nights
Brigette's many phone calls
Angela's infrequent phone calls
Services at Woodside
Homemade granola
Lisa and Phil