The Quandary

Kevin and I sat in the front row and Lance, our son, sat in the defendant's chair. He was wringing his hands and talking to himself. Susan, his court appointed attorney, was sitting next him and laid her hand on his shoulder and reassured him that it was okay. We were listening to the school psychologist tell the judge that Lance has the cognitive and physical ability of a five year old, he would never be able to be alone.

It was very hard to listen to the negative testimony of Lance's abilities, or should I say disabilities. But after the Judge rendered his decision and appointed me his guardian, I have to admit that I was, in a very small way, relieved and yes, even happy. I will always be able to take care of him.

A few weeks earlier I went down to Charlotte, NC, to help our middle daughter pack up her things, put most of it in storage and moved her and her dog Pippin, to Charleston, SC, so she can finish her education. She will be living with our oldest daughter and her husband David and their two doggies, Tilly and Kally. She would not listen to me and move home where I can take care of her.

I find that I am in a quandary. Our friends' children are all leaving the home and they (our friends) are becoming empty nesters, we are not and will never be. I grieve at times because I can never leave the house anytime I want or eat in front of the TV or just run around the house without clothes on. I have to find someone to be with Lance if we want to go out. We eat dinner at the table every night because he is not able to balance a plate in his lap and the no clothes thing?? Well, lets just say, I would probably have never done that anyway... On the flip side, I have someone around to crack jokes with, like - "Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!" I get to watch Hannah Montana whenever I want and I will always get to be a mommy to a little boy and feel needed.

With Brigette and Angela I watched as they moved on with their lives. I will never be able to be a mommy to them again. But this I can say, I am proud of both of them, the decisions they have made and the lives they are leading. They are beautiful, strong, independent and love the Lord, what more can a mother ask for.

So I straddle this life God has given me. I love it and at the same time I ask why I have to live it this way. I will probably never have the answers, but it's okay. In the meantime Hannah comes on at 3:00 and I get to see if Lola will be wearing her pink wig today...or will it be the purple one? Mmmmm....